If you have been NAUGHTY, you will receive a t-shirt that proclaims your shame, as well as one of the following Cautionary Tales, as dictated by Hilaire Belloc, embodied in perfume, to help steer you back onto the path of correct behavior:

CHEWING LITTLE BITS OF STRING
The Chief Defect of Henry King
Was chewing little bits of String.
At last he swallowed some which tied
Itself in ugly Knots inside.
Physicians of the Utmost Fame
Were called at once; but when they came
They answered, as they took their Fees,
"There is no Cure for this Disease.
"Henry will very soon be dead."
His Parents stood about his Bed
Lamenting his Untimely Death,
When Henry, with his Latest Breath,
Cried, "Oh, my Friends, be warned by me,
That Breakfast, Dinner, Lunch, and Tea
Are all the Human Frame requires . . ."
With that, the Wretched Child expires.

Marshmallows, a bit of limp lettuce, and wads of soggy cotton soaking in a stew of tea (with lemon and honey!).

DEATHLY PRIDE
Godolphin Horne was Nobly Born;
He held the Human Race in Scorn,
And lived with all his Sisters where
His father lived, in Berkeley Square.
And oh! The Lad was Deathly Proud!
He never shook your Hand or Bowed,
But merely smirked and nodded thus:
How perfectly ridiculous!
Alas! That such Affected Tricks
Should flourish in a Child of Six!
(For such was Young Godolphin's age).
Just then, the Court required a Page,
Whereat the Lord High Chamberlain
(The Kindest and the Best of Men),
He went good-naturedly and took
A perfectly enormous Book
Called People Qualified to Be
Attendant on His Majesty,
And murmured, as he scanned the list
(To see that no one should be missed),
"There's William Coutts has got the Flu,
And Billy Higgs would never do,
And Guy de Vere is far too young,
And . . . wasn't D'Alton's father hung?
And as for Alexander Byng!- . . .
I think I know the kind of thing,
A Churchman, cleanly, nobly born,
Come, let us say Godolphin Horne?"
But hardly had he said the word
When Murmurs of Dissent were heard.
The King of Iceland's Eldest Son
Said, "Thank you! I am taking none!"
The Aged Duchess of Athlone
Remarked, in her sub-acid tone,
"I doubt if He is what we need!"
With which the Bishops all agreed;
And even Lady Mary Flood
(So kind, and oh! So really good)
Said, "No! He wouldn't do at all,
He'd make us feel a lot too small."
The Chamberlain said, "Well, well, well!
No doubt you're right. One cannot tell!"
He took his Gold and Diamond Pen
And scratched Godolphin out again.
So now Godolphin is the Boy
Who Blacks the Boots at the Savoy

A sooty licorice incense with coconut and bay rum.

DREADFUL LIES
Matilda told such Dreadful Lies,
It made one Gasp and Stretch one's Eyes;
Her Aunt, who, from her Earliest Youth,
Had kept a Strict Regard for Truth,
Attempted to Believe Matilda:
The effort very nearly killed her,
And would have done so, had not She
Discovered this Infirmity.
For once, towards the Close of Day,
Matilda, growing tired of play,
And finding she was left alone,
Went tiptoe to the Telephone
And summoned the Immediate Aid
Of London's Noble Fire-Brigade.
Within an hour the Gallant Band
Were pouring in on every hand,
From Putney, Hackney Downs, and Bow.
With Courage high and Hearts a-glow,
They galloped, roaring through the Town,
"Matilda's House is Burning Down!"
Inspired by British Cheers and Loud
Proceeding from the Frenzied Crowd,
They ran their ladders through a score
Of windows on the Ball Room Floor;
And took Peculiar Pains to Souse
The Pictures up and down the House,
Until Matilda's Aunt succeeded
In showing them they were not needed;
And even then she had to pay
To get the Men to go away!
It happened that a few Weeks later
Her Aunt was off to the Theatre
To see that Interesting Play
The Second Mrs. Tanqueray.
She had refused to take her Niece
To hear this Entertaining Piece:
A Deprivation Just and Wise
To Punish her for Telling Lies.
That Night a Fire did break out-
You should have heard Matilda Shout!
You should have heard her Scream and Bawl,
And throw the window up and call
To People passing in the Street-
(The rapidly increasing Heat
Encouraging her to obtain
Their confidence)-but all in vain!
For every time she shouted "Fire!"
They only answered "Little Liar!"
And therefore when her Aunt returned,
Matilda, and the House, were Burned.

A conflagration: amber, tagette, and cognac.

LEFT HIS NURSE WHILE IN A CROWD
There was a Boy whose name was Jim;
His Friends were very good to him.
They gave him Tea, and Cakes, and Jam,
And slices of delicious Ham,
And Chocolate with pink inside
And little Tricycles to ride,
And read him Stories through and through,
And even took him to the Zoo-
But there it was the dreadful Fate
Befell him, which I now relate.
You know-or at least you ought to know,
For I have often told you so-
That Children never are allowed
To leave their Nurses in a Crowd;
Now this was Jim's especial Foible,
He ran away when he was able,
And on this inauspicious day
He slipped his hand and ran away!
He hadn't gone a yard when-Bang!
With open Jaws, a lion sprang,
And hungrily began to eat
The Boy: beginning at his feet.
Now, just imagine how it feels
When first your toes and then your heels,
And then by gradual degrees,
Your shins and ankles, calves and knees,
Are slowly eaten, bit by bit.
No wonder Jim detested it!
No wonder that he shouted "Hi!"
The Honest Keeper heard his cry,
Though very fat he almost ran
To help the little gentleman.
"Ponto!" he ordered as he came
(For Ponto was the Lion's name),
"Ponto!" he cried, with angry Frown,
"Let go, Sir! Down, Sir! Put it down!"
The Lion made a sudden stop,
He let the Dainty Morsel drop,
And slunk reluctant to his Cage,
Snarling with Disappointed Rage.
But when he bent him over Jim,
The Honest Keeper's Eyes were dim.
The Lion having reached his Head,
The Miserable Boy was dead!
When Nurse informed his Parents, they
Were more Concerned than I can say:-
His Mother, as She dried her eyes,
Said, "Well-it gives me no surprise,
He would not do as he was told!"
His Father, who was self-controlled,
Bade all the children round attend
To James's miserable end,
And always keep a-hold of Nurse
For fear of finding something worse.

Hot tea with cream, berry cream-filled milk chocolates, and moist slices of cake against a backdrop of alarming leonine golden musk.

PLAYING WITH A LOADED GUN
Young Algernon, the Doctor's son,
Was playing with a loaded gun.
He pointed it towards his sister,
Aimed very carefully, but missed her.
His Father, who was standing near,
The Loud Explosion chanced to Hear,
And reprimanded Algernon
For playing with a Loaded Gun.

Distinctly scorched ginger musk.

PLAYING WITH DANGEROUS TOYS
When George's Grandmamma was told
That George had been as good as gold,
She promised in the afternoon
To buy him an Immense BALLOON.
And so she did; but when it came,
It got into the candle flame,
And being of a dangerous sort
Exploded with a loud report!
The lights went out! The windows broke!
The room was filled with reeking smoke.
And in the darkness shrieks and yells
Were mingled with electric bells,
And falling masonry and groans,
And crunching, as of broken bones,
And dreadful shrieks, when, worst of all,
The house itself began to fall!
It tottered, shuddering to and fro,
Then crashed into the street below-
Which happened to be Savile Row.
When help arrived, among the dead
Were Cousin Mary, Little Fred,
The Footmen (both of them), the Groom,
The man that cleaned the Billiard-Room,
The Chaplain, and the Still-Room Maid.
And I am dreadfully afraid
That Monsieur Champignon, the Chef,
Will now be permanently deaf-
And both his aides are much the same;
While George, who was in part to blame,
Received, you will regret to hear,
A nasty lump behind the ear.
The moral is that little boys
Should not be given dangerous toys.

The aftermath: dirt-smeared cocoa, with a Spanish moss, coconut, tobacco absolute, charred wooden beams, and blistered resins.

The Naughty tee features Krampus-tongue red and bronze shimmer ink on black cotton.

In addition to your tee and perfume oil, you will receive a miniature stocking that is gently stuffed with silliness and a random stuffer-themed imp -- such as Trinket, Tchotchkie, Knick Knack, or Spare Change.

All of our tees have a reinforced neckband, and are made from pre-shrunk 100% ultrasoft and fluffy ring spun combed cotton. The babydolls and babydoll v-necks have double-needle hemmed sleeves and bottom, are side-seamed, and have a gently tapered and relaxed body.

Naughty or Nice is only sold as a set, and the tees and oils in this LE cannot be sold on their own. Please remember to select the size and style of your tee when ordering. You may place an order for multiple sets, or place multiple orders, and in either case, each will be considered separately in the course of the Inquisition process. If you are placing an order for more than one set, you may submit multiple Naughty or Nice pleas, applicable to each order. Please indicate which Naughty or Nice statement pertains to which size and style combination in your order. Please do not request specific suffer imps, as they are determined randomly, and no imps are available for scents in this series.

Once your Naughty or Nice status is determined, you will be given one of the oils from your status category. If you choose to forego the Plea Process, we will weep bitter tears, but will respect your requests. If you choose not to participate via Plea, please simply enter your request for which tee and oil you want in the comments field of your order. If you leave the comments field blank, we will make your choice for you.

You have until December 5th, 2009, at which point the Imps and Goblins will retire to their conference room and cease to accept orders.

We are not suggesting, by way of this Inquisition, that anyone be cuffed, shook around, shot, set on fire, fed to lions, or anything else unpleasant. This is intended to be taken in good humor; don't be a sourpuss!

Naughty text by Hilaire Belloc, from his Cautionary Tales for Children. Artwork by Alicia Dabney.

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